No Need for Daniel!
by Cypher
Summary: Just a crazy little humor fusion fic where SG-1 has undergone a little...personality change. Those familiar with anime will pick it up real quick, those who aren't...you'll still laugh.
1. No Need for Daniel!

**No Need for Daniel!**  
_By Cypher_

__Chapter 1: No Need for Daniel! 

"Jack!" 

"Hah! Take that weather boy!" 

I wince as sounds of a crash follow the voices. Sometimes I wish I had never opened the Stargate. Then again, I wouldn't trade my friendships for the world. I just hope the mountain will withstand their antics. By the way, I'm Daniel Jackson. I was a simple archeologist-anthropologist working for General Hammond, happily studying strange artifacts in the heart of Cheyenne mountain. Life was normal: I got up, went to work, and came home. A predictable, even boring lifestyle, but I enjoyed it. 

One day, though, I got curious about the rumored Stargate project. General Hammond told me about the secret project shortly after I joined, and warned me of the dangers of it: low funding, military pinheads, and some idiot group known as the NID. So I kept up with the reports and passed by the door it was hidden in for a few years, and my curiosity just kept growing until finally...I did something to satisfy it. Against Hammond's wishes. And you know what I did? 

I opened the Stargate. 

Seriously. What the military couldn't do for nearly a decade, I did in less than a fortnight. But opening that door was a lot more trouble than I expected. 

"Danny, wanna catch lunch? They have pie." 

"Maybe later." That's Jack O'Neill, also known as the Silver Fox. He was the first to enter my life because of the Stargate. He's quite a bit older than me, but is one of the most active people I know. He's a Colonel and somehow seems to be wherever I am. Sometimes I wonder if he can walk through walls, because he's gotten into rooms I'm sure I've locked him out of. But they don't call him the Silver Fox just because of his hair. 

A hand slides around my chest. "Oh come on, Danny. Don't be like that." 

Did I mention he has the hots for me? Ever since we met he's been trying to get in my pants. He's nearly succeeded a couple times, too. "I said no, Jack. I'm busy. Now go away." 

"Colonel O'Neill! Leave Daniel alone!" 

I glance at the door and sigh again. That was Paul Davis, a Major who is a liaison from the Pentagon. He's actually about my age, and he's the complete opposite of Jack. Clean cut, civil, soft spoken- 

Jack tightens his arm around me possessively. "What're you gonna do about it, Major?" 

I can hear Jack's smirk at that statement. He loves pulling rank, especially on Paul. And if you're wondering why Paul is turning red in the face, it's because he's after me, too. Unlike Jack, who threw me over his shoulder once, Paul is more formal. He sends me flowers, candy, even poetry. Neither man seems to notice my attempts to get them to stop. 

"I'll tell Dr. Fraiser the Pentagon lost your physical paperwork and you need another." 

Ahh, the Doc Fraiser move. I call her Janet. She's the base chief medical officer, and acts like a sister to both Paul and myself. Normally she's a sweet person, but rub her wrong or if a person's life is in jeopardy or if there's a crisis, and she seems to change into an entirely different entity. Mature, knowledgeable, and empowered; it's always amazing to see that transformation occur in the very short woman. 

I feel Jack's arm pull away. I should tell you Janet is one of the few people who can intimidate Jack O'Neill. And he wonders why I spend so much time with her. 

"I'm going to get you for that, Major." 

"I'd like to see you try." 

Oh great. They're going to fight in my office again. Well, I have needed a new desk for a while... 

"Alright you two, break it up. Colonel, you have paperwork, and Major, General Hammond was looking for you." 

Ah, thank you, Sam. The two men are grumbling, but are leaving anyway. Oh yeah, Samantha Carter is- 

"Daniel, what're you doing?" 

I blink. "Excuse me?" 

She walks over and crosses her arms. "I've been hearing your voice-over all day." Her eyes brighten. "Oh, I get it. This is one of those fanfics and you're setting the mood and introducing the characters." 

"Er, Sam-" 

"Honestly, Daniel, you can't hog the spotlight." Sam cleared her throat. "Okay, I'll take over from here." 

"Sam! It's titled 'No Need for Daniel!' This fic revolves around me, not you! Now give me my narration back!" 

"You're wasting valuable page space that could be put to better use; like maybe introducing a plot. So shush and let me do this. Otherwise I may just try to get that sample from you again." 

Sighing, Daniel backed down. "Fine, fine. I bow to your superior intellect and narrative skills." 

"And I'm cute, too." Sam grinned and leaned on the desk. "Well, now that we're done with that first person crap, let me tell you who else is part of our little group. First, there's me, Samantha Carter, the greatest scientific mind in the universe." 

Daniel coughed. 

"Alright. Greatest astrophysicist in the world. Happy?" At Daniel's nod, she continued. "I was brought in before Daniel, but I could never get the Gate to work. The rumor around base is I like Jack, but really, we're just close friends. Janet is my confidant, and I'm trying to make Daniel my guinea pig." She smiled sweetly as Daniel spit out his coffee. "Normally I hang out in my lab fiddling with reactors; though come in at the right time and you might find me and my guinea pig just going at it-" 

"Talking! We only talk! Honestly!" Daniel had turned a nice crimson shade at Sam's comment. 

"Now, we also have two Jaffa hanging about. Teal'c and Bra'tac. They're big, strong, and dependent on tritonin since they lost their symbiotes. They don't say much, and usually they just stand there and look imposing. They're warriors, though, and are wicked with their staff weapons. As long as Major Paul isn't around. For some reason they stink if he's nearby." Sam rubbed her chin. "Still not sure why that happens... There's one more person that hangs around with us, and get this: he's an alien!" 

"You don't need to make it sound so astonishing, Sam." 

"Quiet, Daniel. He came through the Stargate about a year ago, and he just hung around because he's a little lazy." 

"I thought it was because he was outcast from his own society." 

"One more word from you and you'll need that physical Major Davis was talking about. Okay, so his stealing naquadria for us is part of the reason he's with us. He's pretty annoying, not to mention clumsy and way too energetic. But for a numbskull, he's bright. His name is Jonas Quinn, and he has this absurd fascination with the weather channel. He's also got a thing for Daniel, though Daniel's clueless about it." 

"Huh?" Daniel blinked, realizing he had missed something while refilling his coffee cup. 

"And Jonas is too shy to admit his crush. So, that's the basics of who's who around here. Every now and then my father, Jacob Carter, comes through the Gate to eat and hang out with Janet and me. Whenever we need a ship we also contact him and poof, a tel'tak is floating above our heads." 

"Poof?" 

Sam shot Daniel a dark look. "What other term would you use? Snap? Bamf? Miya?" 

Daniel raised his hands in a surrendering gesture. 

"So, that's us, the good guys of this fic. Now that introductions are over, let's move on to the plot." Waving, Sam left Daniel's office. 

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Daniel rolled his eyes. "Basically, those are the people of my life. Hell, right? But I'd miss them if they left." Daniel stood and ran a hand through his hair. "I think I'm going to get some blue jello and find Teal'c. He's older than me, and doesn't talk much, but he'll keep Jack and Paul away. At least until the next chapter. Enjoy the story!" With that, Daniel turned off his light and closed the door behind him. 

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Author's Prattle: This is my flailing attempt at humor. Those of you who recognize the reference to Tenchi Muyo!, bravo! You'll get a lot of the "in" jokes. If you have no clue what Tenchi Muyo is, or what manga/anime is, well, you may like some of the jokes anyway. After all, everyone's after Daniel, but then, what else is new? 

For those of you unfamiliar with Tenchi Muyo!, basically, this teen opens a demon temple to discover the demon is actually an alien criminal. Soon he's got aliens running all over the place, most of whom want to run into bed with him. It's hilarious, and if you ever get the chance to see the series (SUB! Dub is EVIL!), go for it. 

For those of you unfamiliar with Tenchi Muyo, or unsure of who's got who's personality, here's a conversion chart for you:  
Daniel Jackson: Tenchi Misaki  
Jack O'Neill: Ryoko  
Paul Davis: Ayeka  
Samantha Carter: Washu  
Janet Fraiser: Sasami (or Tsunami, depending on how you see her)  
General Hammond: Yosho  
Jonas Quinn: Mihoshi  
Bra'tac & Teal'c: Azaka & Kamidake  
Jacob Carter: Ryo-Ohki (Hey, it was either that or Jr, and frankly, who wants to throw a slimy snake?)  


Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG-1. That belongs to SciFi, MGM, whoever owns it. I also don't own Tenchi Muyo. That's property of Pioneer and Hitoshi Okuda. 

Well, that's it. I don't know when I'll update this fic, but I will when I can. This may end up being a one shot, but I doubt it. I really wanna do the Mihoshi driving lesson one. As always, I hope you enjoyed, and reviews are welcome! 


	2. Situations

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Situations

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By Cypher

Don't ask me how I get into these situations, because honestly, I have no frickin' clue. Really, I don't. Daniel's supposed to be the fall guy, the one that weird stuff happens to. I mean, sure, having a Tok'ra in me was weird, but compared to being Ascended or being kidnapped by some water alien, it's not that bad. Maybe that's it, he's paid off his karmic debt and now I'm the cursed SG-1 member.

"Colonel, you have to calm down now!"

How have I arrived at this conclusion? Well, it's fairly simple. We went to this world with a medieval-like civilization. They welcomed us at first, hell, they thought Daniel was a great wizard. Scholars equate to wizards here, don't ask me why. Maybe because both can be filled with hot air. The king's wizard certainly was. And he was not happy about Danny taking the spotlight away from him. 

Why he knew to target me, I'm not sure. I mean, yeah, Daniel and I are dating, but off-world, we act like friends, nothing more. He's more friendly to Carter than to me when we're on another planet. It's the whole scientific sibling thing. Anyhow, this wizard said something dreadful would befall us if we didn't get out of there quickly. Of course, magic is a bunch of hocus pocus, so we didn't listen to him. Even the king told us to stay and for the wizard to go to his tower. We didn't heed his warning. That was a mistake.

Magic is not a bunch of hocus pocus.

"O'Neill! You must restrain yourself!"

I'm not sure how he put the curse on me, if it was through food or while I was sleeping or what, but he did, a very good one. For starters, I became inexplicably drawn to women. I know, I know, I'm dating Daniel, but now any woman, single, married, widowed, etc, that's within a mile radius of me catches my attention, and I run to them like that damned dog and the bell. Who was it? Pavlov's dog. That's it. Every woman.

Except Carter and Fraiser. You can imagine how well THAT went over with them. To say that they were pissed is an understatement. But compare that to how Daniel was glaring at me…Jesus! Where's that look when we're fighting the goa'uld, huh? That'd have Anubis running with his tail between his legs. It also means I'm going to be going home to an empty bed and getting reacquainted with my right hand. But damn it, it's not my fault!

And that's not even the worst of it.

"Jack, please don't make us do what we had to do last time."

He put another part to the curse, a part that's playing out right now, and it's hellish. Literally, hellish. Whenever I'm hit with an energy weapon, be it staff or zat, I…change. It's disturbing, and I can't even control the damn transformation. Horns pop out of my head, fur grows all over my body, my fingers turn into claws, and I get this muzzle with very sharp teeth. I'm also over ten feet tall. Rather an imposing figure, if I do say so myself.

We found this out by accident. Daniel got so fed up with my flirting that he zatted me. He actually grabbed Carter's zat and shot me. Instead of dropping, though, the transformation started. It doesn't hurt, but it's unnerving. When I returned back to normal, the king put the wizard to death for using, what loosely translated into "forbidden magic." Daniel was able to find a reference to the demon in one of the old coot's books, and it turns out there's a cure, though we have to travel halfway across the planet to get it. 

Sadly, as we told General Hammond and got ready for the long journey, the Gate activated and a group of Jaffa appeared. And of course, they fired on us, and of course, I got hit. And I transformed all over again. They obviously hadn't expected it. Some kept firing, some ran (and were taken down by Carter and Teal'c), and some ended up, and I still feel sick about this, in my stomach. I am not kidding. I actually ate some of them rather than slashing them up. They kinda taste like ham. But that's neither here nor there.

And now that they're all gone, the team's trying to return me back to normal. Why can't I change back? I don't know. I can't control it. So I'm on a bit of a rampage, and they're doing everything they can to not resort to their actions last time. What were they, you ask? Well, after I transformed the first time, Carter went and brought Fraiser, to see if she could somehow help.

And that's when we discovered fear and adrenaline can reverse the process.

And the one thing I fear the most…

Daniel's voice breaks through my thoughts. "I give up. Janet, do it."

"Alright, Colonel." I look at her out of instinct, and know immediately what she's going to do. She pulls out the biggest freakin' needle I've ever seen. "Time for a physical." And with a snap, Carter pulls a latex glove over Fraiser's other hand. 

And I, like a coward, stick my tail between my legs--a literal tail, though not big enough to be helpful--and try to get away. Teal'c's keeping me there with staff blasts, though, and Daniel with a gun, which does work against my toughened skin. And the little heathen of a doctor descends on me as I howl…

~*()*~

"Geeze, Fraiser. I'm not going to be able to sit for a week." I rub my backside, human backside. Never thought I'd be glad to feel the kinks in my back. Don't ask me how the clothes change and revert with me, I don't understand it. But they do. "Did you have to be so…forceful?" Little witch gave me a hell of a prostate exam during that physical.

"Nothing seemed to get you to calm down, Colonel," she replies stoically, snapping her medical bag closed. I've caught a glimpse of the inside of it. One small first aid kit, and a dozen giant needles and a box of latex gloves. I have to bite back a whimper at he sight, and it's not easy.

Daniel actually gives me a sympathetic look, the angel. Maybe he's finally forgiven me, or at least feels sorry enough that I won't be alone too long once this whole ordeal is over. "Just try not to get hit with any more energy weapons, Jack, and you should be fine."

I give him a small smile. "I'll try. Without any more Jaffa around, I think all we have to worry about is Teal'c's weapon and the zats."

Carter checks hers momentarily before putting it back in its holster. "Well, I don't think any of us are thinking about shooting you, sir."

"Speak for yourself, Major Carter."

Oh, I've pissed off the big guy. Then again, I did sort of take a swipe at him, as is evidenced by the four slash marks on the front of his shirt. Didn't hit his skin, which is a small blessing. "Well, I'm sure we'll find this Dotta person soon enough and get me back to normal."

Carter rests her hand on her P-90. "Good point. Let's get going. The sooner this is over, the better."

I can only nod and follow her, along with the rest of the group. Daniel eventually makes his way over to me. "Hey."

"Think you can behave yourself? If you go off all the time, this'll take even longer."

Behave myself? Ah, a hint of jealousy in his voice. He means the girl hunting thing. "Of course." I lower my voice so the others won't hear. "I only have eyes for you, you know that. It's just this damn spell…but as long as you're with me, I'm sure I'll be fine."

Daniel nods, and we walk the next few minutes in silence. Then, all of a sudden, my nose twitches in a…familiar way. Oh no, I promised Daniel. But…I can't…my legs are going without my consent.

"Jack?"

And I'm off, running towards a small village on the edge of our sights. I'm really sorry, Danny, but I've just got to find this woman my nose has picked up and--

"Jack! I am SO going to shoot you for this!"  
"You and I both, Daniel Jackson."

"I suppose we should go after him."

"I wouldn't be adverse to sedating him."

Like I said, don't ask me how I get into these situations. Just please, please, PLEASE…help me get out of it.

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Author's Prattle: Okay, here's another fic one-shot I did, and it's enough of a fusion that I think it belongs in my No Need for Daniel! fic. I mean, sure, "Oops" is a nice fusion, but it's not enough of one. This one…the people actually take on the traits of the characters. So, I hope you found the fusion with Sorcerer Hunters amusing!

Disclaimer. I don't own Stargate SG-1. They belong to SciFi, Gekko, and a number of other companies. I'm just borrowing their characters. I also don't own Sorcerer Hunters, that belongs to ADV films and Satoru Akahori.

And for those of you that don't know the series…well, it's about this group of people that go around hunting bad sorcerers. One's got muscles, one's got magic, two are dominatrix, and the lead has a unique gift that changes him into a monster from hell. The conversion chart's below.

Carrot: Jack O'Neill

Marron: Daniel Jackson  
Gateau: Teal'c

Chocolate: Samantha Carter

Tira: Janet Fraiser

And Dotta as herself!

So, I hope you enjoyed this brief foray into humor, and as always, feedback is appreciated.


End file.
